Allegiant -- It's over *No spoilers!*

Well y'all, I finished Allegiant.

I totally realize that does not sound excited in any way, and that's kind of how I feel right now... Empty, lost, confused, blank. Not only because of the book or the ending, but because this is... the end.

Let me explain, I read Divergent and Insurgent at the same time almost exactly a year ago, since then I have been anxiously and somewhat impatiently waiting for Divergent #3, turned Allegiant. In that year of waiting I experienced so many different emotions, 

fangirling like I never have before

agonizing impatience

excitement beyond anything I've ever felt for a book

joy every time I saw someone reading it.

I did so many things to make my wait easier- and yet harder at the same time.

Fangirling, that's a given.

Imagining, writing my own perfect ending to the story.

Recommending, Divergent and Insurgent to everyone I could so that I would have fangirl buddies.

Jumping up and down and dancing every time I heard any sliver of information on this book.

This last year has been fun, and painful at the same time. That wait was enjoyable yet agonizing. Those last few days before it came out were bubbling with excitement, and torture.

I got the book.

Yesterday around lunch, I got the book.

I rejected all human contact and denied the desire to eat, I read and read. We had friends over and while I was sitting in the kitchen, all I could think about was the half-read book sitting on my bed. I stayed up until 11:30 reading and then...

It was over.

It is over.

That year of waiting, all led up to this.

And it's gone.

And that day of reading, was what I had spent a year of my life waiting for.

And now it's done, the characters I have begun to call my friends, will never play in my mind again, everything after this will be left to my imagination, and I don't want to imagine it, because I'm not Veronica Roth, I don't know her characters like she does, I don't have any guarantee that anything is true or real, there are times reading the books that I want to scream at them to do or say something else, but they're not my characters to control.

To think that this amazing chapter of my life is coming to an end is too much to think about, I understand we'll still have the movies, I'll still have friends to fangirl with even later, I'll still re-read those books many, many times, but never again will I be able to have the anticipation of reading and not knowing what will happen next, of shock and tears and laughing out loud.

How could that all be gone?

When I finished the book last night, I cried, sobbed, stuffed my face in a pillow, held the book to my chest, threw it across the room. No book has ever affected me this way, sure I've gotten teary eyed, and lived in a daze, even when I finished Harry Potter and felt like there was a hole in my heart it wasn't nearly this bad. I don't cry over books, but I couldn't stop sobbing. To the point I felt like I should be embarrassed but I wasn't, these books were such a huge part of my life and now it's over, gone, just like that.

After I finished I didn't know what to do, I got online for an hour and a half, all-out ranted to my cyber-twin (ummm, do not read that comment, spoiler-central) and sat online until past 1 AM to attempt to flush everything out of my system. At first I sat there blank faced, refused to laugh, my eyes clouded with tears over and over but I refused to cry again.

The most intelligent sentence I cam up with this morning was, and I quote

"Book. Done. Gone. Bad"

And that was after I slept in until 10:30 and my brother came to wake me up, I was curled into a ball clutching my blanket, refusing to get out of bed.

So much happened that I couldn't bring myself to understand or approve of, the ending was beautiful and heart wrenching, and now it's over.

****

And in case you were wondering, I did dress up for faction day yesterday, but was stupid and forgot to take a picture for y'all, but I dressed up as an Amity and wore a red long-sleeved shirt, a yellow scarf, and faded blue jeans. :)

Today my shirt perfectly represents how I'm feeling today... 

Webcam photo.. :/

I got this beauty in the mail yesterday, thanks Heather!!!!!!!! I love it!!!

Well there's a tear-filled rant from a teary-eyed fangirl.

Love you all, 

read with caution,

Molly